Looking Forward When Hindsight is 2020
by anon33125
Summary: A story where Kakashi has a lot to say about friendship, fear, and finding a way to tell the man he loves how he feels. Written from Kakashi's POV, eventual Kakayama, set right after the time-skip/during Naruto rasen-shuriken training. ... All characters owned by Kishimoto
1. A Challenge

"OI! Brat!" I caught the pen which was apparently thrown at my head. "Are you even listening to me!?" Tsunade practically roared at me. I twirled the pen in my fingers for a second before tossing it neatly back onto her desk.

"Maa, of course I'm listening," I responded hastily as I felt her wrath growing. "You want us to report all of Naruto's mishaps to you, you'll keep Sakura busy at the hospital, and, ah…"

"We'll report Sai's actions to you as well," Tenzo covered for me. Right, I keep forgetting about Sai, I've yet to actually work with the kid.

Tsunade frowned at us, crossed her arms over that enormous chest, and grumbled at us to leave her presence before she threw me out. We quickly bowed to her and left the room.

Outside the doors of the Hokage Tower, I leaned more heavily than I'd like to admit against the wall and pinched the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger, squeezing my eyes shut.

"Are you alright, Senpai?" Tenzo asked, his voice close to my shoulder. I popped open my right eye to look at him. He was wearing one of those expressions I'm pretty sure he saves specifically for me. He'd lifted one of his eyebrows ever so slightly and his head was tilted adorably to one side, lips parted, those incredible eyes exuding warmth. I wanted to curl up in that warmth.

"Fine," I responded shortly, forcing my desires to the back of my mind. "Bad hangover."

His lips quirked up and his head straightened out.

"Really? I didn't even notice you at the bar last night."

"Nah, I went to one a few towns over," I made a vague gesture with my hand.

"Why?" His eyebrows furrowed and his lips pursed.

"Wanted a new crowd for a night," I shrugged.

"Ah, sure," he nodded sagely, eyes fluttering closed and opening again with greater brilliance to once again fix on me.

"Right." Abruptly, I removed my hand from my face and straightened from my lean on the wall. "I'm going to sleep this off."

"Ah, ok," he stuttered, confusion crossing his features quickly before his expression cleared again. "We'll talk training tomorrow?"

I gave him nod/shrug movement of agreement before bounding off in the direction of my apartment. As I left, I shook my head in exasperation; that man really lets me get away with way too much explanation-less bullshit.

I didn't go back to my apartment. It's one of the places I feel the most trapped; I make it a goal to spend as little time there as possible. Instead, I headed for the forest at the top of the Hokage Mountain. The wind whistled beautifully through the trees, leaves rustled their joy, and the sun burned pleasantly through my clothing. I found myself a nice, thick branch and turned my head to face the sun while I let my eyes drift closed in rest.

I must have fallen asleep because I woke up to a not-so-subtle jostling.

"Ah HA! My Eternal Rival! I have found you at last!"

"Ah, hi, Gai," I acknowledged him lightly as he appeared at the foot of my branch.

"Shall we have a Battle of YOUTH?!" Gai bounced the branch as I woke myself up the rest of the way.

"What is it?" I sighed, bored with his antics already.

"I do believe, Rival, that it is your turn to choose our Challenge!" I sighed again, right, my turn.

"What about a sake shot challenge?" I suggested, my headache had receded and I was suddenly anxious to get another.

Gai stopped his bouncing and remained calmly on the branch, sobering up at my comment.

"No more sake challenges, not after last time," his voice dropped its charismatic vigor and instead dropped to a resigned warning. "I would say you've probably had enough sake for the week, if not longer, Kakashi."

I waved a nonchalant hand at him; I knew his change in voice meant that he was being genuine with me, letting his vulnerabilities show. We are best friends, despite our differences, and we know each other better than anyone else.

"Hmm," I decided to throw him a bone. "How about we climb up a cliff with only our right arm and back down with only our left?"

"AH, now That sounds like a WORTHY Challenge! Which mountain shall we ascend?!" Gai jumped up, enthusiasm regained and hopped to the forest floor, flexing his biceps. I couldn't stifle a good-hearted snort. It was all part of the act which had become his life. Much like this aloofness has become mine.

"The highest cliff at Training Grounds 22," I responded matter-of-factly, joining Gai on the ground.

As we jumped through the trees toward the site of our challenge, Gai spouted nonsense about Youth. Our challenges began with a feeling of extreme annoyance on my part and an astounding need to prove himself on Gai's. It has evolved to take many different forms since then, from a begrudging friendship to mere acceptance to near dependence to what it is now: a refuge. A person, a place, a relationship where neither one of us is pitied or laughed at or whispered about or, most importantly, judged. A refuge: a feeling of security.

"Ah, Kakashi?" Gai's voice jolted me out of my reverie.

"Hmm?" I turned my head to look at him.

"Why bring up a sake challenge?" His voice was softer again, more real, my friend.

"Maa," I shoved my hands in my pockets. "I went to the Orange Village for a few drinks last night."

Gai said nothing but nodded his head once in understanding. He knows that when I go to the Orange Village for drinks, I don't go back to my apartment that night. I also do not exactly spend the night alone at the bar, if you get my drift. And, thirdly, I regret every minute of my night the next morning.

Thankfully, we reached Training Grounds 22, so our conversation ended there and Gai ran a couple laps and did a few handstands to "warm up." I took out Icha Icha and waited for him to finish with that before we started.

We tied our left hands behind our backs and stood beside each other at the base of the highest cliff in Training Grounds 22. I stood with my legs slightly apart and my right hand ready to spring into action, looking beside me, Gai was mirroring my pose, albeit with his knees bent and a ferocious grin on his face. I chuckled at his expression, but prepared to start all the same.

"On three?" I asked him.

"ONE!"

"Two."

"THREE!" We both jumped and grabbed onto the nearest edge of the cliff face. My fingers curled onto a rough edge, I could already feel the cuts and callouses I would have on my fingertips by the end of the day. It was a beautiful feeling. I gathered my chakra into my fingertips as I pulled myself up with my hand and then I used the chakra burst to propel myself another hop upward. My fingers hooked onto the next hold and my process started again.

The rhythm of physical exertion and mental control is the reason I still find myself enjoying some of our ridiculous challenges. It's distracting enough to keep me from dwelling on all the negative thoughts which have taken up residence in my head ever since my father's suicide, Obito's death, killing Rin, Minato-sensei's death… The only other things that can distract me are a certain hyperactive blond ninja and a beautiful brunet with the most expressive eyes I've ever seen. Naruto and the rest of my team take up so much energy and remind me of the few 'happy, carefree' years I had in my life when training as Minato's sole apprentice. Tenzo is just, well, Tenzo. He distracts me from everything, my whole life, my entire history, every pain I've ever felt can disappear when he's near enough to touch me. Unfortunately, he's also, in a way, my greatest agony because I have no idea how to talk with him about all the things I really want to. I doubt he even knows how I feel about him. Which shouldn't be surprising because I've never told him.

"I WIN RIVAL! HAHAHA!" Gai trumpeted running circles at the tiny top of the cliff. I pushed myself the last hand up and landed smoothly on my feet near him.

"We still have to go back down with our left hand, Gai," I reminded him as I stretched both my arms and got ready to begin my descent. He froze mid-run and his face fell far too dramatically. I laughed harder than I'd laughed in months.

"Of… Of course… Yes, back down with our left hand….." He muttered to himself for a minute.

"Ready?" I asked him, wiping the tears of laughter from my eyes.

"You should start first, Rival! It is my fault I forgot the rules of our Challenge!" He sniffled and wiped away the beginning of Gai waterfall tears. "You are truly my WORTHY RIVAL! You waited for me at my folly!"

"Come on, Gai. Are you ready to finish?"

"And now, you insist on fair terms! OH RIVAL!"

"Ok, now I'm going."

"RIIVAALLL!"


	2. A Drink

Needless to say, I won our challenge heading back down the cliff, so Gai offered to pay for a sushi dinner. And what kind of a person would I be if I turned down free sushi?

"So, a civilian last night?" Gai asked companionably as the waiter left our table. Post-physical-exertion-challenge dinners are generally when we have our 'serious' talks and usually at this particular sushi bar where we get a private booth in the back.

"Yeah," I said, pulling my mask down to take a sip of sake. "It wasn't anything spectacular and he was very drunk."

"That is probably the reason it was not spectacular," Gai observed. I tipped my cup toward him.

"True."

We paused for a moment as I pulled my mask back up and the waiter returned with our bowls of miso.

"What about you?" I asked him as we were once again left alone. "Made any moves on Tori?"

"Ah," he blushed. "Alas, no. We had lunch yesterday and she invited me to celebrate the moon festival with her. I promised to take Lee this year though, so I did not give her a straight answer."

"Ask if her apprentice might like to meet Lee. Double date. That's something normal people do."

"I would have to consult with Lee on that. He knows very little about Tori," Gai responded, fidgeting in his seat before deciding to focus on his soup. I opened my mouth to ask about that but was interrupted by our sushi platter being placed in the center of the table. Gai enthusiastically thanked our waiter and added that we would be most appreciative if he only returned once more with our check in 2 hours. The waiter bowed to us, agreed, and left again. Gai, meanwhile, leaned over our table.

"Nobody in the village except for you knows about her, it is especially not Lee's place to know about my romantic life," he hissed at me. "I cannot let him see how dramatically I fail at love."

"Tori has been seeing you exclusively for two years, Gai. She bakes a mountain of pastries for when you return from missions. That isn't what I call dramatic failure."

"And in all that time, we have never done more than kiss! She must be expecting so much for the moon festival!" He pushed his now empty bowl away from him and flung his head on his arms in frustration. "I have no idea what to do!"

I moved both our empty bowls and the sushi platter to the far side of the table so I could reach across it to rub his shoulder.

"She's known you for almost three years. She won't expect you to have changed in one night, you only have to be yourself. Somehow, she likes you for that."

Gai raised his head from his arms to glare at me for the last sentence. I chuckled, removed my hand from his shoulder, and handed him a cup of sake. He straightened up in his seat again and drank the whole shot down.

"Lee should not witness it."

"Lee will be so distracted by her pretty young apprentice that he won't be focusing on you."

"He will ask me questions. Ones I cannot answer."

"You will answer them as best you can and he will look up to you all the same as he does now."

Gai frowned and pulled the sushi platter back in front of us, taking a few bites, searching for another doubt.

"Send her a letter accepting her invitation. The worst you can do is refuse the offer and make her think you're not interested in continuing the relationship. You need to start taking forward steps, Gai, even if they are just baby steps."

Gai nodded, taking his time to chew on his sushi. I grabbed a few bites for myself as he did.

"When did you become such an expert on moving forward?" He asked after a few minutes.

"I read romance and porn novels. I have all the answers, just no courage to execute them." I responded plainly, not entirely sarcastic. Gai snorted and we returned to a comfortable silence in our meal.

The waiter returned with our check in what felt like mere minutes later, even though it had been the 2 hours Gai requested. We left the restaurant chatting in good spirits.

"Shall we stop in at the Three Shinobi?" Gai suggested as we turned back onto the main road of Konoha.

"Ah, no, I'd rather not." I responded too quickly, it was a Saturday night, Tenzo would be there without a doubt.

"If I'm going to the moon festival with Tori, you can go into the Three Shinobi tonight and spend some quality time with your kohai." Gai teased, I could already feel him gathering his birds and rainbows chakra around him to make an entrance. I grumbled something about him being a horrible friend and darted quickly into the bar to avoid being made part of his spectacle.

The bar scene was exactly what I'd expected. Genma and Raidou were causing a ruckus in front of the bar, Asuma and Kurenai were making eyes at each other while 'talking' with others, Anko was on the prowl, Izumo and Kotetsu were arguing dramatically from opposite sides of the room, and Tenzo was well on his lightweight way to being drunk while he looked like was conspiring some plan with a plain clothes-ANBU shinobi I hadn't seen in years. I kept to the back of the crowd as Gai made his entrance and most people took little notice. Then, I wandered my way over to where Asuma sat with Shikamaru.

"Hey Kakashi! We didn't expect to see you around tonight!" Asuma greeted loudly to overcome the general bar noise, cigarette bouncing on his lip.

"Yo," I responded, raising my own voice to be heard. "You sure you want your students witnessing this mess?"

"Ha! I thought I'd give him a glimpse of what he's getting into!"

"It's troublesome, but I lost a bet with him, so here I am." Shikamaru responded quietly enough that I had to move closer to the two to hear him, while he slouched his head onto his propped up arm.

"Pull up a chair and join us!" Kurenai appeared from behind me with a couple stools.

"I didn't realize you two were sitting together," I said pointedly as I sat down. Those two really weren't fooling anyone. They both shifted uncomfortably as Shikamaru and I shared a smirk.

"So, why are you joining us tonight?" Asuma cleared his throat and swiftly changed the subject.

"I heard there was going to be a special Icha Icha reading tonight," I lied easily, fooling none of them. Kurenai shook her head in playful disappointment.

"We ought to get you a girlfriend!" Asuma grinned, slapping my back. "Or just get you laid."

"I'm perfectly capable of finding my own lays, thanks." I responded, raising an eyebrow at him. He got way too curious about my sex life after he'd had a few drinks.

"You could do better than one night stands, Kakashi," Kurenai jumped in. "I know a lot of great girls, both civilian and kunoichi."

"_Kakashi_ doesn't sleep with _kunoichi_," slurred a voice to my left.

"Hey Anko," Kurenai sighed, losing some of her enthusiasm from before. Anko must have hit on Asuma earlier.

"Really?!" Asuma was far more interested in the information Anko had just so helpfully shared. "Something wrong with kunoichi?" He asked of me.

"Kunoichi are too messy," I sighed exaggeratedly. "Just look at this shining example in front of us." I gestured to the now slopping-beer-down-the-front-of-her-shirt Anko. We all laughed good-naturedly as Anko stumbled off to her next conquest attempt.

"Kakashi-senpai!" Tenzo bumbled into our cluster, falling slightly onto Kurenai's shoulder. "You're here!" His eyes were bright with excitement, cheeks flushed with alcohol, lips pulled upwards in a welcoming, happy drunk smile. I couldn't help but smile back at him, feeling my spirits lift.

"Hey Tenzo," I beckoned for him to move closer to me as if I wanted to whisper in his ear. His face got deadly serious as he leaned in, eyes wide as if I were about to impart with the greatest secret of the universe. I held back a laugh at what I was about to do to him and gestured for him to come just a tiny bit closer, just one more step….

I reached behind him with my other hand and flicked his ear. His eyes widened comically as he stumbled and fell in slow motion onto the floor behind my chair. I snickered as he stood up again, dopey drunk expression back on his face, looking around frantically to find the person who'd knocked him over.

"Kakashi!" Kurenai scolded, the effect somewhat lost by the fact that she was laughing behind her hand. I turned my attention from Tenzo back to the group. Asuma was roaring with laughter, Shikamaru was smiling, amused, but also staring fixedly, questioningly at me. I held his gaze for a minute, trying to figure out what he was questioning, but something else caught my attention.

Shizune appeared near our group, touching Tenzo on the arm, and then she was leading him away to a presumably quieter table. The pit of my stomach dropped and I remembered why I hate coming to the Three Shinobi. I sighed through my nose and turned back to my current companions, determined to ignore what just happened.

"Shots for all?" Asuma asked, standing up, wiping tears of laughter out of his eyes. Kurenai, Shikamaru, and I all nodded. Kurenai turned to me.

"Are Yamato and Shizune dating?" She asked.

I shrugged, pretending I hadn't been paying attention to the two of them at all.

"I don't think so," Shikamaru answered for me. "She has a crush on him, but he seems only to be flirting because he's drunk. He's not paying her any more special attention than he gave to Anko a few minutes ago."

"Hmm," she responded. "They would make a very cute couple. Big dark eyes, short dark hair…"

"Nah, her eyes have nothing on his," I couldn't stop myself from disagreeing, there was no comparison at all. Kurenai and Shikamaru both turned their heads to stare at me, open mouthed.

Luckily, Asuma returned just then with the shots. I grabbed mine and quickly downed it. The other two pretended I hadn't said anything and Asuma regaled us with the story of why Genma's shirt was now being ripped into shreds, the pieces thrown around the room.

After another hour of useless small talk, a few more remarks about me actually being at the bar tonight, and several more interactions with inebriated chuunin and jounin, I decided it was time to go. I glanced over to the corner table where Tenzo and Shizune were now deeply involved in their flirting, she was now touching his face, he was even more drunk and letting her play with his hair. I bit back a growl and stood up slightly more forcefully than necessary from the table.

"Well, this has been delightful, but it's time I head out." I said to the group, now that we'd reached a lull in conversation.

"Indeed! It's been fun!" Asuma went to take another shot. Kurenai frowned at him, placed some money on the table, and grabbed his wrist.

"I think we'll follow you out," she said pulling Asuma to stand with her.

"Maa, no point in me staying when everyone is leaving," Shikamaru sighed as he stood as well, shoving his hands in his pockets.

I put my own money on the table, as did Shikamaru, and we made a circle around the room to avoid the growing drunk angrier crowd in the middle. Conveniently, this meant we would walk right past the little lovebirds.

I grabbed the scruff of Tenzo's neck playfully as we got close to their table.

"He's far more drunk than he lets on, Shizune," I said, pulling him to his feet. "He's probably going to throw up in the alley soon."

"Hey!" Tenzo protested, but with the sudden change in his position, he swayed and clutched at his stomach briefly. "Ah….. I gotta go," he mumbled bending forward. I slipped his arm around my shoulders and my own to support him around his waist.

"I'm sure it was a lovely evening, Shizune. Good night!" I gave her my signature eye smile as Tenzo gave her a sloppy drunken one along with a sloppy drunken wave.

"Man! You're wasted!" Asuma laughed at how pathetic Tenzo looked. Kurenai was chuckling too, even Shikamaru looked amused at the exchange. Tenzo, on the other hand, clutched tightly at my shoulder.

"'Kash…. i, out…. now…." He slurred slightly, urging me forward. We pushed through the thinning crowd now in a race to get to the door before Tenzo's stomach let loose.

Not a minute after we got outside, Tenzo lurched forward, letting go of me, and vomiting on the side of the building. I knelt on the ground next to him and pulled his hair away from his face as he retched again.

"We'll see you later, Kakashi," Kurenai said, touching my shoulder gently to let me know they were leaving.

"Good luck with that mess!" Asuma offered good-naturedly, waving.

"See you soon, Kakashi-sensei," Shikamaru also said, heading in the opposite direction of Kurenai and Asuma.

"Night," I responded to all of them. Now, I got to be alone with my mess. It wasn't the best of situations, sure, but it had happened a number of times before. Tenzo gets drunk, flirts with women (usually Shizune or Kume from our ANBU days), and I get to take care of his sickness afterwards.

We sat beside the building for a while, he kept throwing up until all he was left with was dry heaves. Then, I pulled him upright slowly, resumed the position we'd had walking through the bar, and turned to head for his building.

"Feeling better?" I asked as we walked slower than snail's pace.

"Little," he mumbled. "Why'd'ya take m'way?"

"Same reason as always." He looked at me with his wide, questioning expression. "You always regret flirting in the morning."

He frowned at me, confusion in those big eyes.

"Did you want to have sex with Shizune?" I asked him. He continued to look perplexed for a minute.

"Oh!" His eyes widened further as he understood my question. "We were jus' talkin'"

"Mmhmm. Most women think talking like that leads to sex."

"I don' wan' sex. Feel sick." He leaned more heavily into me as if to emphasize his point.

"Yup, I know that. She didn't."

"Hmmph," he mumbled something else unintelligible after that, but I didn't catch it. His head lolled onto my shoulder and I could smell the sourness of his breath. For any other person in the world, I wouldn't be able to stomach that scent, but he was different. He was always different.

We stayed in relative silence the rest of the way back to his apartment. Tenzo was very obviously focusing on putting one foot in front of the other to avoid falling on his face. I was focused on keeping him upright as the dragging of his feet caused both of us to keep stumbling. Eventually, we made it. I fished his keys out of his pocket and unlocked the building doors.

"Ready to head up the stairs?" I asked him. He lifted his head off my shoulder and tried to look determined.

"Guess so," he responded, a tiny bit of his speech capacity regained.

The stairs took even longer than our walk had. He lived on the eighth floor. The elevator would have made him puke again. Finally, we got to his door. I unlocked it and helped him inside.

As soon as we were through his door, he kicked of his sandals and stumbled drunkenly to the bed, falling face-first onto it. I left my sandals on, not expecting to stick around once he passed out. I poured him a large glass of water and set it on the bedside table before gently rousing him from his spot on the bed.

"We have to brush your teeth."

"Don' wanna," he responded, flopping his arm out of my reach.

"You'll feel even worse tomorrow if you don't," I warned pulling him more insistently.

"Mmrg," he grumbled something, again unintelligible.

"Come on," I picked him and he reluctantly stood with me. We got over to the bathroom. I handed him his toothbrush with toothpaste on it. He brushed half-heartedly. I took his toothbrush back, rinsed it, and handed him a small cup of water. He rinsed his mouth more vigorously than he'd brushed his teeth. He spat in the sink, I took the small cup back, filled it with mouthwash, and handed it back to him one more time. He gave a full-hearted swishing in his mouth with the mouthwash, finally falling into a before bed routine.

After that was done, he was able to walk on his own back to his bedroom. He pulled off his jounin vest, shirt, chainmail, undershirt, leg bindings. Everything went into the laundry basket to the side of the doorway in his bedroom. He flopped back onto his bed, but this time wiggled himself around so he could pull the blankets on. I smiled a little at him, this was when he could be at his cutest. As soon as he'd snuggled himself in, he looked up at me with big, pleading eyes. Eyes I couldn't resist no matter what was asked of me.

"Story," he said, lips turning upward in a big, conniving smile.

"You want a story?" I asked, as if teasing a child, but smiling warmly at him.

He nodded excitedly.

"Like you used to do in ANBU."

I gave a playful sigh and leaned back against the wall to think up a story. One of the ones my father used to tell me or Minato-sensei.

"No," he said. I raised a questioning eyebrow at him.

"Like you used to do in ANBU," he repeated more forcefully, scooting over to one side of his bed. Oh, right.

I took off my sandals, undid the bindings around my legs, and slid off my jounin vest. Then I crawled to join him on the bed, propping up a couple pillows against the headboard. The way I used to do when he had night terrors, when I would have to rub feeling back into his body so he wouldn't be numb in fright, when I would spend the rest of the night with him, stroking his hair, telling him he was safe, he wasn't with Danzo anymore, Orochimaru wasn't coming back to take his revenge.

Tenzo curled contentedly on the bed, snuggling close up to my legs. I lifted my hand to push the hair out of his face now that the face guard had been removed. I started stroking my hand through its thick brown tresses. If he were a cat, he would be purring by now. The thought made me smile, our closeness made me happy.

"Once upon a time, there was a great and terrible rogue ninja…"


	3. A Moon

It breaks my heart to leave him, but I can never stay the night. I would get too tempted to touch him, kiss him, fall asleep next to him. Instead, I left a large glass of water and two aspirin by his bedside table and jumped out his window as soon as he was lost to his dream world.

I sat on the roof of his building for a moment, contemplating my options. I could go home, crash on Gai's couch, stay at Genma's, sleep out in the training grounds, or not sleep at all.

Going to my own apartment did not sound at all appealing, that was really only a last resort for after missions, during the winter, cold rainy days, or for 48 hours when I was considered fit enough to leave the hospital after chakra depletion.

Gai's couch was a viable option, he always kept a spare blanket out for me and I knew where he kept the good pillows. But, I'd lost track of him at the bar and he may have ended up hosting a few of those who were too drunk to get themselves home; the man is too reliable in that way.

When Genma is as drunk as he was that night, he doesn't go home. He either gets laid, passes out somewhere, or ends up on Gai's couch himself. So, I would have his apartment to myself. He and I have an agreement, since neither of us really like to be alone in our apartments, we each have a key to the other's place specifically for nights like these. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Genma spent the night at my place last night.

I used to sleep on the training grounds all the time when I was ANBU, and even before that. That was the time of my life I would kill myself for my training. Abusing myself physically was so much more bearable than the things I wanted to do mentally or emotionally. Sleeping at the training grounds or not sleeping at all was how I spent the majority of my life actually, now that I think about it. I would be comfortable with either option even now, but instead, I decided that I have outgrown that particular brand of self-abuse. At least for the moment.

I stood and started my journey toward Genma's.

Everything in Genma's apartment reeks of Hayate. Not literally, mind you, but figuratively. There are pictures of the two on every windowsill, ever-present boxes of tissues next to every chair and the couch, long straight katanas specifically made for Hayate's Crescent Moon Dance graced the walls, and even the lingering scent of lemon Echinacea tea (which Hayate always drank to soothe his throat and clear his lungs) hung in the air. I took a deep breath in through my nose, savored a good memory of the man, then let my breath out and moved past the sadness. Hayate had been an ANBU subordinate of mine, a comrade, a friend, and he was a very good man, but I have experienced so many deaths that there are few people now who are close enough to have so profound an effect on me anymore. Death is part of the shinobi way of life. Any true shinobi understands that, especially elite jounin, ANBU, and ex-ANBU. Hayate would have understood my acceptance of his death. He also would have understood Genma's need to hold on to him longer, those two had been practically inseparable, and then he would have made merciless fun of our senbon-wielder for being so sentimental. I smirked at that thought and made my way to the bedroom.

I grabbed a couple spare blankets from the closet and changed the pillowcase of the pillow on the bed. Just as I was about to get comfortable, I became aware that I wasn't alone.

The chakra presence I sensed was a familiar one, so I relaxed ever so slightly and took a breath in through my nose. Lemons, peach, and rain.

"Yugao?" I stepped lightly, quietly back into the living room area.

"Ah! Kakashi-senpai!" Her surprised exclamations were whispered softly as though she dare not disturb the silent reverence of holding Hayate's old swords. She had given them to Genma in hopes of releasing some of that hurt from her own apartment, unfortunately, she had no real idea how much Genma would choose to cherish rather than store them.

"What are you doing here?" I questioned quietly.

"I could ask you the same," she retorted gently, hanging the katana back in its place on the wall.

I watched her move silently, touching Hayate's possessions, breathing slowly, her mind in a place that was time away. She had started calling me senpai back in the days where I was required to put time in at the academy. I didn't know then that Yugao was also a recent orphan, all I understood was that, for some unfathomable reason, she chose to look to me for guidance. She had put me on a pedestal back then, and even now, after working under me in ANBU for eight years, she refuses to address me as anything else.

"Would you like some tea?" I changed my question after a minute, moving to the kitchen to put a pot on to boil.

"Anything but chai," she consented.

We didn't turn the lights on, instead we sat on his couch with the blinds pulled completely away from the window behind us. The moonlight streaked in, pouring over the pictures Yugao had spread on the coffee table in front of us. We sat back on opposite sides of the couch, silently, comfortably sipping our tea.

It had to be well after midnight at this point, probably only a few hours before dawn. I would have to be up soon, heading out to try to explain chakra nature to an overeager blond ninja. I sighed internally, I'd dealt with way too many people in a single day. But, this is the unpredictable life of a shinobi, the life I was born, trained, molded, and impassioned to live. There's no point in planning things out or trying to define relationships with other shinobi using only one word or one phrase. That doesn't cut it. I accepted the situation I was in with Yugao, I could either leave her to her sadness and rest myself well for the remainder of the night or I could be her shoulder for a while, live up to the name she graces me with, feel like I am needed by someone for a small period of time, live in the moment instead of in the possibilities.

I propped my feet on the edge of the coffee table and stretched one arm across the couch. Yugao saw my movement, pushed the mementos of Hayate off the couch, and scooted closer to me, tucking her feet up onto the cushions she had been sitting on a moment ago. Then, she settled her head onto my opened arm, snuggling herself in to my offered comfort. I tilted my head back to rest over the couch and a few moments later I felt the first of her tears for the night drop on my shirt.

As I've said, I know how it feels to lose people. Hayate was Yugao's comrade, partner, friend, and lover. That is a lot to lose in one night, especially to be the one who found his body. Everyone needs to break from that, even shinobi need to let that sadness out. Many years ago, shortly after Minato-sensei's death, it had been me breaking down, hyperventilating tears in Jiraiya's arms. He'd stayed the whole night with me, holding me, saying nothing but offering everything I needed. Jiraiya may have completely shirked his uncle duties to me and his godfather duties to Naruto, but when it counts he's there. He was there for my breakdown, my suicide attempt, my first successful therapy session, training Naruto to use the Kyuubi's chakra, taking Naruto away from the Akatsuki, returning to tracking down the Akatsuki after returning Naruto safely to me.

I let out a soft sigh and reigned in my thoughts. I rubbed Yugao's shoulder gently and she shifted her position slightly so that it felt a little more natural for both of us. We drifted in and out of light sleep until dawn sunlight burned through the window.

I woke up to an easy brush of a kiss on the maskless portion of my face and opened my eyes to see Yugao gone, our mugs in the sink, and the pictures of Hayate removed from the coffee table. As soon as I reassured myself that I was alone, I pulled down my mask and rubbed my hands roughly over my face. I ambled over to the bathroom to wash my face, brush my teeth, and otherwise prepare for the day ahead. I smirked a little, Tenzo would surely be in pain. He could be incredibly snippy when hungover, but that also meant the most adorable facial expressions and a reduced tendency to care if I spent all my time watching him rather than actually reading my book.

With that thought, and another glance at the sun's position in the sky, I determined that it was time for me to go meet up with my team.

"Yo," I greeted cheerfully with a simple wave to the three teens and the apple of my eye.

"YOU'RE LATE!" Sakura and Naruto both shouted, pointing accusingly at me. Tenzo raised a hand to his head, wincing at their tones, and closed his eyes. Sai was just watching Sakura and Naruto with an odd creepy smiling expression that didn't quite meet his eyes.

"Maa, a newborn puppy was stuck in a well, so…" I scratched the back of my head in mock shame for my tardiness. Sakura sighed, Naruto yelled, Tenzo grimaced, and Sai just continued smiling. "Anyway, we are going to start a special form of training!" I chirped. "One that is specifically well suited to Naruto."

"Alright!" Naruto punched the air happily and started dancing around. "What is it?! Huh? What cool stuff can I do that they can't!?"

"Will Sai and I have different training?" Sakura asked, dutifully ignoring the blond.

"Tsunade-sama has requested that you continue training with her at the hospital," I responded, she smiled happily.

"Hai!" She agreed readily, I couldn't help but smile back, it was nice to see her happy. Perhaps my one student capable of living a normal life and she was thrilled to do it, destined to be a great medic.

"Sai, you are welcome to hang around with us or you may train with other teams or on our own, but please check in with us frequently. We may want to use you in Naruto's training."

"I would be glad to assist, Kakashi-sensei," he nodded lightly, the smile never leaving his face. I shuddered internally, but outwardly dismissed both him and Sakura.

"Oi, you ready for your training?" I shouted at Naruto who immediately appeared in front of my face.

"YES!" he shouted eagerly.

"For your special training method, I want you to create as many shadow clones as you can so that the training can be experienced more effectively. Do you understand that?" He gave me a dumbfounded look and I sighed. I care deeply for the kid, but he can be such an idiot.

"You experience things through your clones, so if you were to train alone for two years, it would take you two years to master that skill, right?" He nodded. "But if you were to train with one clone as well as yourself, it would only take you one year to master that skill."

"So, I'm going to learn a special jutsu super fast!?" He exclaimed. I smiled at his enthusiasm.

"Yes, in a manner of speaking, but it will still take you a long time to complete. This training is only meant too hopefully speed that process up by several years. Hopefully, if everything goes well, we'll have your ultimate jutsu in a matter of months. Understand now?"

"Hai!" He saluted me cheerfully.

"Alright, you will be exerting yourself to your chakra extremes throughout this training, so Yamato-taichou will be keeping an eye on the Kyuubi's chakra. If it becomes a danger to a number of your clones, we WILL stop training immediately until you rest and regain your original chakra. Alright?"

"Hell yeah! Let's start!" Naruto immediately made a couple thousand shadow clones.

I glanced over at Tenzo, he performed his wooden dragon jutsu and sat in the middle of the ring of the five sturdy dragons. I set each Naruto to work trying to split his own leaf using only his wind-natured chakra, then I pulled my book out of my pouch.

I watched Tenzo settle into his position for a little while, he spared a small, pained smile towards me, but otherwise focused on his duty. So, no attitude from him today, he was just going to suffer quietly. I made a mental note of that and stashed it away for later.

Finally, I turned my attention down to the pages in front of me, read a few lines and scowled. I had forgotten to switch out my normal Icha Icha for the book I actually meant to start reading today, the first section of _The Art Of War_. That meant I would have to make a trip to my apartment soon to switch out the covers. Damn.

I peeked over the top of my book to look at Tenzo again and my face softened. I let my mind drift, wander back to a time when I couldn't acknowledge any feelings I may have had, back to a time when I felt alive by endangering my life, back when time had frozen for me, back when he was the only light I could sense in my world of blood.

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A/N: I know I skimmed over basically all of the Naruto training explanations, but I didn't want to start repeating things word for word and this way it still kinda gets the point across. Anyway, next chapter is going to be some ANBU Kakashi! I hope y'all are enjoying the story thus far :)


	4. A Reflection

A/N: A bit of a wordy chapter and not my original direction at all, but this is kinda how it flowed... Anyway, enjoy! Reviews are appreciated, constructive criticisms welcomed! :)

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ANBU teams are arranged quite a bit differently than regular mission teams. An ANBU team consists of 16-19 members plus 1 captain. I was promoted to ANBU captain just a year after I joined, when I was about 15, so I pretty much had to make stuff up as I went along. Most captains split their teams into 3-4 man groups. Those groups become your family, you learn to care for them as much as you care for yourself. My mind didn't work that way, I broke up my teams based on the mission. I would first partner individually with every member of Team Ro to figure out their strengths and weaknesses, then assign them accordingly. Genma and Hayate were my ideal partner mission team. One shinobi who specializes in long to mid-range fighting, the other in mid-close range, both superb at stealth, and incomprehensibly fluid teamwork. My four member group was diverse: Shiiba (a long range fighter with strong innate leadership and unflappable rational common sense), Kotai (suited to any fighting style, exceptionally quiet and intuitive), Enri (medically trained Hyuuga, able to kill quickly with minimal mess), and Oulen (mid-range fighter with top notch tracking skills and uncanny dexterity with every weapon). Those were the only groups I primarily kept together, everyone else I rotated. For stealth missions, I would take Genma and Kotai or Lei and Jaito. For assassinations, I would send Yugao and Enri, sometimes adding Ospri and/or Yuseh, depending on the anticipated difficulty. And so on, the groups I sent were directly related to the mission, I could run up to 9 separate missions at a time, where other captains would balk at having 4. I had the lowest fatality rate and the highest mission successes. By the time I was 18, I had the reputation of being one of the top ANBU captains that the organization had ever seen, and yet, I was at the lowest mental health state I'd ever been in.

I threw myself into missions hard and expected the same from every member of my team. It wasn't just one group of the whole team they had to care about, I wanted to make them willing to put their life on the line for any of their comrades. My logic was that if everyone was willing to die, no one would have to be sacrificed. Though full of holes, that reasoning got my team pretty far and I just pushed us all harder. I could feel tension rising between teammates and I could tell it was about how exhausted they were. Any other sane person would have realized that this meant people needed rest, sleep, relaxation, not more training. I, on the other hand, chose to ignore it. I couldn't deal with down time, I needed to be physically and mentally exhausted at the end of every day. I couldn't see far enough beyond my own issues to realize that I was the messed up one for working myself into the ground, I didn't need to bring the whole team with me.

It wasn't too long after a particularly grueling full team mission that Sandaime summoned me to his office and told me Team Ro was being benched for three weeks, one week specifically no training. He'd figured it out. Of course, I had to argue, say they could take one week recovery and then I'd expect them ready to be on the missions roster, they could handle it. We were ANBU, it was our job. He'd thought about my offer, resolutely refused it, and sent me on a solo B-rank mission. It was far below my abilities, but he'd argued me into a corner and I had to accept. By the time I returned from that, he had another solo mission set up for me, a mission to check out one of Orochimaru's abandoned labs. I accepted that one much more readily, despite the fact that I knew he was really just keeping me out of my team before they committed mutiny on me or something.

The Orochimaru lab mission was the one where I ran into the young mokuton user again. He'd grown since the last time we met and it made me smile to see how he still hadn't quite grown into those eyes. I suggested that we look around the lab together, even though I had no idea what his real mission there was.

During our search for any pertinent information on the Sannin or his research, Tenzo turned on me, braced to kill. He'd grown as a fighter and, as much as I hated to say it, we were almost evenly matched. With the mental state I was in, I briefly considered letting him kill me. But then I remembered who his master was and the reason that man would want me dead after years of trying to convince me to join his Root. My sharingan, Obito's sharingan, it would fall into the wrong hands. I couldn't let Obito's final wish fall to someone like Danzo. Minato-sensei's death could have been avoided if it weren't for Danzo keeping the mokuton user hidden. I couldn't fall, I couldn't die, I had to protect his eye.

So, I did. And I didn't kill Tenzo either, I would turn him in, put him in his rightful place directly under Sandaime's control. In the end, _he _ended up saving _my_ life, just moments after I'd saved his from the poisonous snake creation. Without meaning to, I'd woken up from my poison-induced faint to read his note and realize that we'd actually created a bond. The intensity of my feelings about rescuing him only reinforced my intuition that he had somehow become an important person to me.

Sandaime sent me and Yugao to retrieve Tenzo from Danzo's clutches upon my return from the mission. I pulled every stop I had to get him out of there safely and, in return, Sandaime placed Tenzo on my team.

Just like any other new member, I took him on a partner mission with me and the intention of surveying his abilities with fresh eyes. Instead, I found myself in a situation not unlike the partnership of Genma and Hayate. I could read every move he intended to make and he responded instinctively to every one of mine. His grasp of fighting, chakra control, and use of mokuton were extremely well developed; it felt as though we had been fighting together for years. Soon enough, I realized that he was flexible enough to fit with any mission, any group easily, whenever I needed him to. He would look up at me with those incredibly honest eyes, call me Senpai, and make every attempt to learn anything he possibly could. I indulged him, pushed him with his mokuton, taught him about leadership, let him take part in political discussions with other captains, and completely managed to ignore what he was beginning to mean to me.

I imagine I started to fall in love with him from almost the very beginning of our acquaintance. Granted, he was quite young, and so was I really, but I was attracted to the openness of his eyes, the readability of his expressions, and the unbound trust and loyalty to always try to do the right thing, based on the facts as he knew them.

I fell hard for him one night after one of his group missions, when Shiiba decided the whole team go out for drinks to celebrate their success. Tenzo had a couple drinks, he was never very good at holding his alcohol, and he was buzzed enough that I decided it would be safest for me to escort him back to his small, ANBU-issued dorm. When we got there, he looked up at me with frightened eyes and asked me not to leave him alone. He whispered that Danzo was coming to exact his revenge and he was scared. When I reassured him that Danzo would do nothing of the sort, he'd teared up a bit and said he didn't deserve my kindness. I'd asked him why, curious as to how this incredible person could be guilty of anything terrible.

He'd looked me in the eye, sniffled, and whispered, "I lived."

I'd frozen at that, he'd spoken my own thought, my own doubt, my own core of self-hatred. I'd been the one who lived when Obito died. Rin, Minato-sensei. _I_ lived. _I_ didn't deserve kindness. _He _was so young, so _whole_ despite what I knew of his past. He fit so well, learned so much, was beloved by the entire team. How could he feel the same as me?

Rather than confront him angrily, as I always did to myself, I felt my heart clench. I'd crouched down, touched his shoulder softly, and told him not to feel guilty.

That night, he told me everything he remembered from Orochimaru's lab. Every bit of pain he'd felt, every single child he saw die until he was the only one left. He told me about how he knew it was his turn next, how he should have just accepted it silently, but his innate will to live was too strong. He'd cried out and Danzo found him in the ruins of the lab.

By the time he finished relating his tale to me, I'd started stroking his hair. As he fell asleep, I realized that I was in awe of him. I admired him, his ability to be so personable despite what he'd been through, his desire to still yearn for connections after having so much loss. And still, there was this vulnerable part of him that was able to voice exactly how distraught I felt in myself. He understood.

He was so different from me and yet, he was the same. I could never be so open as him, but maybe, if I let him in, he could teach me something. That thought both terrified and intrigued me, but I realized that I could never let him go easily.

After that night, my attraction to him just grew. I took to looking after him whenever he got drunk, whether to see that vulnerability again or to simply be his caretaker rather than have someone else take him from me, I'm still not sure. I learned of his nightmares and his sleep paralysis among other vulnerabilities through my efforts. As he got older, he figured out how to work through those issues and they became far less frequent, he needed me less. That terrified me and made me retreat to my depressed emotional state again. He was improving constantly, but I was still stuck in the same loop.

Whether Tenzo or others of my teammates told him or he just observed on his own, I'll never know, but Sandaime caught on to my new darker depression and forced me to resign from ANBU. That really crushed me further. My former classmates had truly no idea how to connect with me and I made no attempts to let them. I took out my frustrations on the gennin idiots they sent me as well as on the regular missions I was assigned when I had no team to teach.

Eventually, I found my team in Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura. I found my new solace in Naruto and could see so many remnants of myself in Sasuke. I let myself relax again. Soon enough, I found my rhythm with them and training those kids healed me more than anything I ever thought could.

Every so often I would still see Tenzo, he always knew the places he could find me. As I started to heal mentally and emotionally, I began to understand the intense attraction I still had for him. It became even stronger the more I healed, as I could finally begin to connect with him. The day I found out he was to work with my team while the Akatsuki was a threat was one of the happiest moments of my life. I would get to see him regularly again, maybe this time we could find a way to communicate more effectively, I could show him how much I've grown.

We fell into our old routines easily. I teased him, he blushed or teased right back. As much as I have grown, though, I am still a coward. I am finally open to truly befriending him, but he has no idea how much more I want. I have thought of so many ways to express it to him, through words and actions, but I can't go through with them. I don't know what I would do if he rejected me or if he felt uncomfortable by another man's advances.

So, I am still confused, but, at least now, I am with him again.


	5. A Question

A/N: I know, loooong time since an update. And this is a short one... But, it's sweet! And with finals approaching, I need an outlet, so this story is getting some much needed attention. I love writing as Kakashi anyway, I forgot how much fun his awkward angst is ;P I hope y'all enjoy!

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"Naruto!" Tenzo's brazen shout pulled me out of my reverie. My book jumped back into my pouch as I ran to catch the blonde ninja about to pass out, red chakra leaking from his pores.

Tenzo's wooden dragons pinned the Kyuubi chakra down as I helped Naruto back onto his feet.

"Enough training for today," I said. "You need food and rest."

"No!" Naruto exclaimed, "I have to… have to… defeat… Sasuke," he added in a mumble, energy fading.

"Tomorrow." I said, firmly.

He frowned unhappily as Tenzo joined us, the Naruto clones all dispelled and he sagged even more heavily into my arms.

"How about some Ichiraku?" Tenzo offered, a sympathetic smile on his face.

"Ramen!?" Naruto's energy flooded his body once again. "Alright! Let's get ramen, ramen, ramen!"

I couldn't help an exasperated smile under my mask as Tenzo and I walked behind him to Ichiraku.

"Once he eats, he'll be tired enough that you can force him to sleep, Senpai."

"Mm," I murmured. "How's the hangover?"

He raised a delicate eyebrow at me and then shrugged. "Could be worse. At least I didn't wake up to the taste of sour alcohol."

"You don't remember last night?" I asked, curious if he remembered asking for the story. Most times he'll acknowledge my help the next day, thanking me for helping him to get home and not make a fool of himself.

"Not too much, specifically," he responded. A light blush bloomed across his face, but he didn't expand upon the statement. I glanced ahead of us to see that Naruto had run in to Iruka-sensei and was now trying to convince the teacher to join us for ramen. Tenzo and I had slowed our own pace considerably, so as not to interrupt the two.

"So," I started, letting my voice drop to a seductive tone, coaxing a deeper blush onto my kohai's face. "What, specifically, do you remember?"

"Ah," he coughed distractedly into his hand, "vomiting, something with Shizune…" he mumbled one more thing, which even straining my ears, I couldn't hear.

"What was that last one?"

"Falling asleep… next to someone… maybe on them… I think," he frowned in disappointment at himself. "Is it horrible that I can't remember?"

I felt my stomach drop, my appetite disappear. I tried not to show it, shrugged it off to him outwardly. "Nah, that's what a one-night stand _is_."

"I know," he sighed, frustrated, running a hand through his hair. "But if it was Shizune, we are going to see her, work with her, and I don't want to be rude or hurt her feelings!"

I reached a hand up and tweaked his nose.

"You worry too much, Tenzo."

"It's Yamato, Senpai. Really," he huffed, swatting my hand away.

"Yamato-taichou! Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto waved us over to where he and Iruka were standing. "Iruka-sensei invited me to eat dinner at his place! He's actually cooking tonight!"

Iruka batted Naruto playfully upside the head and blushed easily.

"Kakashi-san, Yamato-san, you are both welcome to come. I hadn't realized you were planning to eat with Naruto-kun," he invited us gracefully.

"Thank you, Iruka-sensei, but I'm afraid I'll have to pass on your invitation this time, I'm not feeling too well," Tenzo replied smoothly, rubbing his head.

"Maa, I'm out as well. People to see, places to go, paperwork to be done," I waved a nonchalant hand at them, while Tenzo rolled his eyes at my paperwork comment. Iruka happened to be one of the few people who could make Naruto stop obsessing about training, he also happened to be practically the only person, other than Jiraiya, who I truly trusted with the boy. He would take good care of him for the night.

"Alright! Come on Iruka-sensei! Let's eat!"

"Yes, Naruto. We'll all have dinner another time," he offered as he was dragged away by the overeager blonde.

"Of course!" Tenzo agreed quickly, then turned to me. "You don't do paperwork."

"I do," I argued. He gave me a blank, unamused stare. "Sometimes."

We stood awkwardly in the middle of the street for a few moments before we realized neither one of us were moving.

"Do you really feel sick?" I asked.

"A bit, but not too bad. Didn't want to impose on Iruka-sensei."

"Right, Ichiraku, then?" I offered.

"Sure, Senpai. Only if you're paying."

"Maa, I'll pay," I agreed, pretending to be resigned. Of course I was paying, this was a date. Kind of. Not really. But still, I would pay for just the two of us.

We arrived at Ichiraku in no time, we were practically already there when Naruto and Iruka had met up and left us. Tenzo dropped himself heavily onto one of the stools, mumbled his order, and then let his head fall onto his arms at the counter.

I suppressed a chuckle at how resigned he looked, that hangover must have been bothering him something dreadful.

"Miso ramen, please, Ayame," I said to the young woman watching us expectantly.

"Of course," she smiled softly and nodded. "No Naruto-kun today?"

"Nope, just the two of us," I responded cheerily, forcing my eye to curve up in a seemingly playful smile. Ayame nodded again and left us alone to focus on the many pots of boiling water behind her. I nudged Tenzo's arm gently with my elbow. "Ne, Tenzo, are you really alright?"

"Mmmm," he muttered softly, rolling his head to face me. "Remind me never to drink again, Senpai."

I chuckled softly in response, but otherwise gave him nothing but a gentle shoulder squeeze before leaving him to his misery before our food came. I tried to think of something to say to him, to somehow signal that I _wanted_ to talk with him about last night. That _I_ was the person he fell asleep against, _my_ pants had been covered in his drunken sleep drool, and that I was more than willing to repeat the experience. Except, you know, minus the drunk part. I wanted him to fall asleep next to me every night.

I picked up my cup of water, rolling it lightly between my fingers. I was getting myself far too worked up, already thinking about the future, fantasizing about living with him, and yet he was just sitting there, still clueless as ever.

_Slow down, Scarecrow_, I mentally berated myself. _Think like Gai, One step at a time_.

"Ne Tenzo?" I started, still focusing mostly on my water rather than looking at his face.

'Hm, Senpai?" He responded, still a soft mumble of a voice. I suppressed a shiver at thinking of how that voice would sound in the early light of morning, barely roused from sleep, all warmth and rumbling vibrations deep in his chest. _STOP IT!_

"Are you celebrating the moon festival?" A neutral question, many shinobi distinguished the holiday while there were also several who chose not observe it. It's not really a controversial issue, more it's a matter of family values. The Hyuuga clan, for instance, often celebrates quietly, together apart from the main festivities in the village. The Naras, on the other hand, rarely celebrate it at all, only showing up every few years at the festival for a few short moments due to the invitation of a friend, while the Yamanakas are well known to be the main coordinators of the event each year.

"I suppose," Tenzo responded evenly to my question, finally lifting his head off his arms to set his chin straight on his elbow to look at me. "Some ANBU and I went to last year's festivities and had a really great time. I would go again."

"Hm," I responded, thinking that over. I kind of figured he must have been at some point before, the festival does happen every year, still a part of me is depressed that I didn't get to show it to him for his first time.

"Do you celebrate it, Senpai?" Tenzo roused me from my thoughts, now sitting up fully straight on his stool, a truly open questioning look in his eyes.

I met his eyes and soon found myself lost in his request. It was as if, all of a sudden, I weren't in control of my voice. I just started talking, telling him things, very personal things, things I never shared with anyone else.

"I did," I started murmuring softly. "Many years ago, my father and I, my sensei and I, we'd watch the fireworks shows from the top of Hokage Mountain. The one time of year I enjoyed sweet dumplings, we'd stay awake the entire night talking and teasing, eating moon pies, star-gazing. We'd light floating lanterns to see whose would fly highest, then that person would make dinner for a week. It was the time of year my father would always stay home from missions, we'd never missed a moon festival, not until – "

"Here's you order!" Ayame's voice broke me out of my stupor. I visibly flinched and ducked away from Tenzo's eyes, barely managing to catch his stunned open mouth, reminding me that I was, in fact, reminiscing out loud.

"Kakashi-senpai?"

I could feel a blush rising to my cheeks at how intensely Tenzo was paying attention to me rather than our newly arrived food. I quickly muttered my special masking jutsu to keep my face covered as I wolfed down my steaming hot ramen. My tongue burned almost immediately and I fought to keep tears from rising to my eyes. He was still watching me.

"Kakashi-senpai?" Tenzo tried to get my attention once more.

"Maa, Tenzo," I responded sheepishly, finally trusting myself with words again. "I'm trying to eat my ramen here. Did you want something?"

His mouth opened and closed several times, face flushing red in indignation, before he muttered a curse under his breath and turned to his own food. I really should stop teasing him so much, actually be honest with him, but when I try, I feel myself shutting down, I revert back quickly to what I know. As soon as the brat-Kakashi takes over my words, I have no way to take them back. Tenzo knows that old Kakashi far too well and the real me far too little. Maybe I should be back in therapy to sort this out. But, that would mean talking to that civilian dolt-shrink again, which I really wanted to avoid at all possible costs.

A heavy sigh managed to escape my lips. It surprised me and I quickly turned to Tenzo to see if he'd noticed. It appeared he hadn't, he was very absorbed in scowling darkly at his noodles. It was pretty darn adorable, like a puppy who's gotten yelled at for jumping on the couch. And, similar to a puppy, I wanted to smother his face in kisses to get those eyes to lighten back up again.

It was this realization which gave me the courage to do what I did next.

"Ano, Tenzo, I was teasing. I really wanted to ask if you would like to celebrate the moon festival with me this year."


	6. An Answer

The light returned to his eyes just as I'd hoped it would. I really did only want to see him happy. I basked in the glow of his bright eyes and playful smirk.

"Senpai…." He murmured softly. I felt my heart leaping with hope, butterflies tumbling my stomach around, as awful and cliché as it sounds, in that moment, it was true. "I'd be honored to celebrate with you."

I blinked my eyes several times, as if trying to reawaken myself from a dream, I even fought the urge to pinch myself. Or start laughing and try to play the whole thing off as a joke. Instead, I overcompensated by taking way too large a mouthful of noodles and choking on them.

_Way to go, Scarecrow_, I chastised myself as Tenzo smacked my back.

"GOOD MORNING!" Another hand smacked my back as three very unwelcome elite jounin squeezed themselves into the space between me and Tenzo.

"How do you feel this morning, Yummytoes?" Genma asked, placing a disgustingly wet kiss on Tenzo's cheek. I would have jutsued his ass out of there in a second if it hadn't been for Anko planting an equally slobbery caress on my own cheek.

"It's not morning," I said, barely restraining myself from grumbling, as I pushed Anko away from me.

"Yeah, well, these two just woke up," Raido sighed, gesturing to Ayame to take his order.

"Not hungover?" Tenzo piped in, leaning around Genma, who was trying to sit on his lap.

"Sleep is the wonder drug, kitten," Anko responded, dreamily resting her head on her hands and fluttering her eyelashes.

"As is Tsunade-sama's special hangover cure," Raido snorted, elbowing Anko to get the pseudo-serenity off her face. She gave him a foxy grin right back.

"She should really go into business as a professional hangover healer," Genma added seriously, getting comfortable on Tenzo's stool, senbon bobbing sagely on his lips.

"Right," Tenzo sighed. "It's not as if she has an important job already."

"It'll give a whole new meaning to the word beloved if she can banish hangovers forever," Anko snorted.

"Especially in this village," Raido added, not quite under his breath.

"I would be-loving her til she couldn't see straight if she could do that," Genma grinned saucily. Tenzo flushed bright red and shoved Genma off the stool.

"That is our _Hokage_, Genma, really!" Raido and Tenzo both shouted at him. Genma turned his gleam to Raido.

"Like you weren't thinking the same!" He retorted, shoving Raido playfully into Anko, who had started laughing as soon as Tenzo reacted to Genma's innuendo.

I sighed as they teased each other, there are way too many damn shinobi around here. Why is no one on any missions? Aren't we supposed to be on the verge of a war here? I finally get some alone time with sober Tenzo, no Naruto, and these three have to ruin it.

"Why are you all sourpuss?" Genma asked, turning his attention from Raido, Anko, and the now-furiously-red Tenzo to me.

"I'm not sourpuss," I responded evenly. "I have things to do." But, now that they were here, I definitely couldn't pay for our meal. I also really couldn't return to my discussion with Tenzo, no matter how nervous and excited I was about his answer. I _did_ have some mundane chores to do anyway: laundry, book cover switching, weapons inventory, therapy journaling…

I stood quickly and gave them all my signature sarcastic eye smile before making my hand signals and teleporting away to leave them to their nonsense.

My apartment was dismal and quiet as it usually is. There are only three pictures beside my bed: my original genin team, my team 7, and one of my father doing a sarcastic ninja pose for a calendar joke. That picture is old, crumpled from when I'd been angry with him for leaving me alone, but since I've forgiven him, that picture does make me smile. It's also one of the few I still have of him, most others were burned after his 'treason,' but I couldn't bring myself to destroy the last time I would ever see him so happy, so carefree, so alive.

Almost everything else I own is entirely impersonal, from the blankets on my bed to the plain white refrigerator to the simple oak desk in the corner. The only piece of furniture overwhelmingly personal is the low eating table in the center of my kitchen area. It's an ornate dark cherry wood with a twisted rope design carved into the legs and a thin, precise weave decorating the edges with a lightening wolf head in a diamond at the center; Tenzo made it for me to celebrate his tenth anniversary of being saved from Danzo. To this day, it has been the best, most meaningful gift I have ever received and the only one I've ever kept.

I'm not sure he knows it, but on that same day I snuck into his apartment and replaced his old faceguard with one I had reworked to incorporate some shards of my father's chakra tanto. Not only would this make his mokuton more fluid when melding with trees, but it allowed him a new jutsu of communication among clones, because his chakra will flow undisrupted through any copy of the metal. The faceguard itself is a key component to keeping his form when morphing with trees as well as concentrating power when using mokuton. The enhanced faceguard I gave him not only quadruples its effectiveness but also provides an added chakra protection barrier in case I am not around to be his back up, it also remains linked to my chakra network, so if it, or Tenzo's chakra, is compromised I will feel a distinctive pull on my own reserves. I would be disappointed if he didn't know that I gave him the new one that day, but I don't believe he knows entirely what it's made of and I'm really not sure if I want him to know that either.

I shook my head to rid myself of the nostalgia for a moment while I turned to my tasks at hand. First mission: switch book covers so I wouldn't have to read Icha icha again tomorrow. My bookshelves are vast and ever-filling, I always have something newly intriguing to read. It took me all of three minutes to locate the first section of _The Art of War_ and replace it with Jiraiya's porn. Mission One: Complete.

Second mission: the overflowing basket of clothes in my bathroom. My nose keeps me from letting laundry pile up too atrociously, so I actually take a trip to the washing machines in my building's basement at least twice per week, more often if I have particularly gruesome missions. In my ANBU days, I would do some form of laundry as part of my daily routine. I picked up my basket, my hypo-allergenic detergent, my bleach, some oil, my whetstone, and my weapons, then threaded my way down the stairs to our mostly unused basement level. Mission Two: Complete.

While waiting for my laundry to wash, I settled myself into one of the long, overstuffed, long abandoned couches in the basement to sharpen my weapons and complete a quick inventory. I am an excellent multi-tasker and the middle of the day is the best time to have the laundry room and basement couches to myself. Ninja either are on missions, sleeping, or training during the good hours of the day. I've found that most shinobi only do their more domestic chores either in the evening, to put off going to bed, or in the early morning, because they can't bear to sleep any more. I like to avoid interacting with people any more than strictly necessary anyway, so doing mundane chores in the middle of the afternoon doesn't bother me in the slightest. And having several couches in the basement to give space for all my weapons is far preferable to having to make small talk with my neighbors. My weapons take the entire time my laundry is washing and even after I change it over to the dryers. Mission Three: Complete.

My final mission before allowing myself to leave my apartment: write in my stupid therapy journal. Therapy is required for all ANBU captains to remain captains, I was always perfectly fluent in shrink bullshit. I could tell them exactly what they wanted to hear, how they wanted to hear it, and could make them accept it from me without question or fear that I might be lying. When I tried to commit suicide after being forced to resign from ANBU, Sandaime put me in a different sort of therapy: he made me see a civilian. This civilian had worked with one or two extreme problem shinobi before and had excellent success with them, so the Third had put me with him almost immediately. It took me months to open up to him, and even now I have never been completely up front with him about my situation or my feelings. We eventually reached a compromise though, he said I had to keep a journal. I didn't necessarily have to write in it every day, but I needed to keep it as an on-going catalog of my thoughts, behaviors, hopes, ambitions, motivators and depressors: basically every part of my life that was not addressed normally through the shinobi lifestyle. At first it was torture, I stressed over it more than I had my chuunin exams, or even my jounin exam for that matter, but eventually I forced myself to do it. In return for being completely honest in my journaling, my shrink let me choose the passages he could read for our once-monthly meeting. He had realized from the very start that I have major communication problems, but those are incredibly lessened when I feel that I am only writing for myself and that I have complete control over what is shared. A very great fear of mine is losing control over what I say to people and how that will affect their perception of me. After a couple years of this journaling arrangement, he made me promise to continue writing and we would meet only 5 times per year, the dates of Sandaime's choosing. Now, I meet with him once per year, he has me read some entries to him, we discuss them, our meeting lasts about 2-3 hours, and he sends me off on my way again. As loathe as I am to admit it, the journaling has made a huge difference to my mental health and stability. Writing my problems and reactions down on paper makes them seem more trivial, less antagonizing, more manageable, as well as somehow more real, as if now they are tangible problems capable of being fixed rather than fluid illusions conjured solely by my brain.

A few hours and several mugs of tea later, Mission Four: Complete.


End file.
